Cricket Sledging: To roast or not to roast?

In a game of thrones or cricket half the battle is played in the mind. Sledging is nothing but an art of mental disintegration and checkmating your opponent’s nerves through your wit. It is a practice followed on a cricket field with the sole intention of messing around with your combatant’s concentration, resulting him to fumble and under perform.

How to sledge?

The most important ingredient of any sledge is humor. Anything funny is perfect, but anything too serious is despicable. It’s better to be spontaneous, wherein you just drop bomb sarcastically and boom you can penetrate the ranks of the archenemy while he is busy deciphering your remarks and thinking about everything except his game. It’s all about seizing the moment and no one did it better than Australian Merv Hughes. Hands down!

Merv - The Sledge King

The term sledging was coined by an Australian who swore in the presence of a woman and was described as being a SLEDGEHAMMER. However, the Englishmen propose that after one of their guy’s wife was caught having an affair with Percy Sledge (another team mate) and the opposition made a huge deal out of it on the field; the phrase came into existence.

To roast or not to roast?

This whole idea of a verbal spat is a highly debatable topic, whether it should be practiced in a gentleman’s game or not. Ultimately, it boils down to each and every individual how he perceives it.

According to me, sledging is an integral part of the game as long as it’s not a racist or a personal attack. It is healthy for the sport to survive. It shows that there is a soul in the game and emotions are attached to it. At times, sledging helps in shattering the monotonousness and brings back the crowd on their toes. Look, ours is a competitive world and while competing emotions do tend to out pour. So, let them come out. It’s a sound sign of being involved passionately with the game.

You complete meBest example Kohli-Johnson saga in last series. A few sparks here and there between the duo just set the right tempo for the team. Not only it resulted in upgrading their game but the viewers were equally entertained. It brings back the charm, the fun and television ratings .

Let me cite you another example. Why was The Dark Knight so successful? It is because of the fact that the antagonist of the film; the Joker, was a divine force in itself. People just loved their rivalry and the fact that both of them complemented each other. It is good to have the unknown factor being involved in the equation of the game.

Why should players have all the fun?

Forget about the players, even the umpires tend to sledge and get sledged in the spirit of the game. In one of the club cricket games, a tense finish was on the cards due to a number of dropped catches. A plumb was turned down and as the captain inquired about the denial, the umpire replied “If you bastards could catch, this game would be over by now “.

In another incident, this time the referee was on the receiving end. Once Michael Holding was bowling in Australia and he hit the batsman’s pads right in front of the wicket. To which, the umpire declared the batsman as not-out. After the over as Holding took his hat back from the umpire, he looked right into his eyes and snapped “At least you can count to six”.

How the crowd sledges?

The Australian crowd is even more hostile than their players. That’s the reason The Ashes is a highly renowned encounter. Out there it’s war. It is a war against your self- belief, your confidence and your dignity. You have to be strong enough to win it. That’s the real test of your character and he, who passes it makes it to the lists of legends. There have been incidents where in a spectator has made the batsman loose his cool and deceived him to get out.

Yabba Statue at SCG

Stephen Harold Gascoigne known as Yabba was one such an iconic figure in that context. He has a bronze-statue named after him at SCG. Once a batsman was adjusting his L-guard. To that he entertained him with his sarcastic comment “These are the only balls you’ve touched all day” .In the bodyline series Douglas Jardine became pissed with a fly hovering over his hand. After a series of failed attempts to shoo it away Yabba shouted from the stands “Leave our flies alone. They are the only friends you’ve got.”

You won’t believe that a personality like Don Bradman has tried it once. Patrick Patterson to Sir Don Bradman during 1980s in one of the games while Merv Hughes was unbeaten by the Caribbean pace battery -‘You, Don Bradman? You, Don Bradman? I bowl at you. I kill you man.I split you in two!’ Don: You couldn’t even get Merv Hughes out. You’d have no chance against me, mate!’ Nailed it!

If done in a smarter way, sledging works fine but it does backfire if you try acting cocky with an intent to get personal and majorly the Australians have been at the receiving end except for Merv Hughes who did it for fun and was the real MVP. Let me share some of the epic back firings where the envelope not only got pushed, rather exploded.

Aussie mishaps

Mark Waugh: “I remember you from a couple of years ago. You were shit then and you’re fucken useless now!” To which Adam Parore replied, “Yeah that’s me. And I remember you were dating that old, ugly slut. I see you’ve married her now. You dumb cunt”.

McGrath: “Why are you so fat?”
Brandes: “Because every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”

Healy bugging Ranatunga

Ian Healy to Ranatunga , “Got your legs shivering?”
Arjuna– “Yes, I am tired after sleeping with your wife.”

There are instances when people have lashed their anger out just because they were either too upset or too quirky to win. This is something I would not appreciate.

In the interest of the game, too much of fucks we ought to chuck.

Mike Whitney: “Stay in your crease or I’ll break your fucken head”.
Ravi Shastri replied: “If you could bowl as well as you talk you wouldn’t be the fucken 12th man!”

Once Fred Trueman was bowling and got an edge from the batsman which went between Row’s legs, who was fielding at slip. At the end of the over, Row runs over to Trueman and says: “Sorry Fred, I should’ve kept my legs closed”. Trueman: “So should your mother”.

The furious pup.

Michael Clarke once told England’s Jimmy Anderson to get ready for a broken fucking arm. It was like fucking a hollow body without a soul .How can you frighten a tailender with a bodyline field that too against the most deadly bowler? That’s rape.

Great sledges are the one’s done in the right spirit where not only the duo involved in it loves it but the audience as well. As I leave you all do take a minute out and think about a cricketer’s freedom of speech. Meanwhile, enjoy the rib tickling roasting –

My personal favorites

James Ormond came out to bat in a match with Australia. Mark Waugh, at slip, “What are you doing out here? You’re too shit to play for England!” Ormond replied: “Maybe so, but at least I’m the best player in my family”.

Sangakkara to Pollock during a match in 2003 WC, ” Tons of pressure here for the skipper, yeah? Gonna let his whole country down now if he fails. Oh Lots of expectations fellas. Come on! The weight of all the country’s expectations, 42 million supporters right here depending on Shaun”.

Merv Hughes to Robin Smith: “If you turn the bat over you’ll get the instructions mate”. Rob replied after hitting a boundary, “Hey Merv! We make a good pair. I can’t fucking bat and you can’t fucking bowl”

Beefy at his best

Rod Marsh: “So how’s your wife and my kids?”
Botham: “Wife’s fine. Kids are retarded”.

References – Why are you so fat? , Gershan Portnoi

PS: Keep calm and sledge gracefully. I’d be pleased to hear some Bakchodi from your end in the comments section.

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Lucia hits Gayle’s nervous system, switches him to Godzilla mode.

Anti-doping agency has confirmed that just before the match Christopher Henry Gayle took a sip of Kingfisher beer, which seem to be adulterated with Lucia medicine. The probe was initiated as Chris Gayle (who hasn’t played for the need of the nation since the inception of the IPL) scored a barbaric double ton today against Zimbabwe.

Gayle has admitted that due to the chemical locha, he could see Vijay Mallya hovering over his head and was allegedly tricked that it was a RCB game and he wasn’t using his skill for free for the Caribbean board. With every ball that he faced, he could hear a voice that said “Every six is proportional to a date with the Kingfisher calendar girl. #SwalpaHitMaadi” and that kept him going for the kill.

This was batting today,not Chris Gayle

This was batting today,not Chris Gayle

The effect of the medicine was prominent till he reached the 200 mark but by the time he regained his consciousness the damage was already done. Meanwhile Gayle has been roped in as the brand ambassador of a new North Korean medicine brand  – “Being Inhumane” .The PR agencies have suggested that due to his extraordinary dancing skills he was offered the contract as a potential threat to South Korea’s PSY.

On a funny note, here is the match summary (Please give a damn!)
Feb 24, 2015: Canberra, Australia
WI – 372/2 (50 Overs) defeated Zim 289/10 (44.3 overs) D/L Method
MoM- Chris Gayle for his monstrous knock of 215 off 147 balls and a spell of 6-35-2.

Sasural Shikhar Ka

Last evening when Shikhar Dhawan was grooming his mustache while the team was practicing for the big game against the Proteas, Dhawan got a call. To his sheer surprise his mother-in-law had called, with whom he hadn’t spoken in ages. Who would’ve thought a phone call from a saasu maa, would’ve changed the course of the game and history would be re-written.

Look son, it’s an ultimatum call for you. We cannot even go out in the colony.
Considering your current form and the rate at which our neighbors are teasing us, I think we will have to relocate unless you start performing.

Hail Dhawan !

Dhawan giving Choke-slam to the Proteas!

It made Shikhar re-think on his game plan and he skipped the mustache grooming session and Dhawan was seen practicing in the nets today morning. Rest is history.
Courtesy his fearless choke slams, India defeated South Africa in the World Cups in the fourth head-to-head encounter finally.

On a funny note, here is the match summary (In case you wish to give a damn!)
Feb 22, 2015                                                                                 Melbourne, Australia
India – 307/7 (50 Overs) defeated SA 177/10 (40.2 overs)
MoM- Shikhar Dhawan for his fearless knock of 137 off 146 balls.

Sewaiyaan triggers Pakistani batting collapse, reveals Pakistan Bureau of Investigation.

Christchurch: Pakistani team seemed confident after the Caribbean boys put just 310 runs on the board, which was in sync with the Whatsapp message that predicted easy win for the men in green. Investigations revealed that during the innings break, while walking back to the pavilion Pakistani fielders saw a few fans eating Sewaiyaan and carrying a poster inviting them to have them outside.

#WontGiveItBack

#WontGiveItBack

Tempted with the invitation, Misbah discussed it with the team. Finally a unanimous call was taken that a plate full of Sewaiyaan is any day better than the empty cup and let’s finish the innings ASAP.Now the tussle started over the opening slot as to the surprise Misbah started padding up. Shehzad and Jamshed opposed the captain and claimed

that as openers they should get the chance to get out first to taste the sewaiyaans. Shehzad, Jamshed,Haris and Younis were already outside the stadium by the time Pakistan made just 1 run hunting for the sewaiyaan guy. They saw a food-truck parked nearby with a lot of WEST-Indian fans.The Paki fab-4 inquired about the sewaiyaan, to which everyone replied #WontGiveItBack and offered them a complimentary dhokla.

The fab-4 rushed back to the dressing room to inform that it was a hoax call. By the time they were back Pakistan was already 25-5 and a padded Misbah was rushing out to get his share.After knowing the grim reality he passed the message to the on-pitch pair to bat sensibly as they were fooled. Maqsood and Akmal gave it a shot but it was too late.

Meanwhile, the matter got escalated and we may see a sewaiyaan ban in Pakistan.

On a funny note, here is the match summary (In case you wish to give a damn!)
Feb21, 2015                                                                             Christchurch, New Zealand
Pak– 160/10 (39 Overs) Lost to WI 310/6 (50 overs)
MoM- Andre Russell for his all-round performance of 33-3 and 42 off 13 balls with the bat.

Morgan threatens to quit The Great England Looser Pvt Ltd.

Wellington : After seeing the company’s dismal performance in the last quarter as well, the Chief Solution Architect, Eoin Morgan has shown serious intentions of quitting the company.

When inquired about the sudden disinterest towards the company Morgan became extra frank and quoted “Tumse Na Ho Payega” and did show a positive inclination towards joining a bright Irish start up- TheCricketGully.

Welcome back boy !

Welcome back boy !

After a serious debate with the HR and senior partners,the company has come to a conclusion that they will re-hire Kevin Pietersen on his recommendation. This is a direct message to sideline Chutiya management policies and to bring in a fresh perspective.

Meanwhile Morgan’s Whatsapp status reads -“Yo Bitch! Welcome back”

 

 

On a funny note, here is the match summary (In case you wish to give a damn!)
 Feb 20, 2015                                                                   Wellington,New Zealand
Eng – 123/10 (33.2 Overs) Lost to New Zealand 125/2 (12.2 overs)
MoM- Tim Southee for his magnificent spell of 33-7.
#WC2015 #FekuSingh

Zimbabwe beats UAE. Awww wave hits the UAE kids

NZ: The UAE Sheikh Khalifa Bin Zayed Al Nahyan seemed pleasingly happy after UAE was put to bat by the Zimbabwean captain Elton Chigumbura on a good batting track. The Arabs placed a great 285 runs total on the board. But his happiness was only a short lived affair just like Shahid Afridi’s most of the innings. The men in red chased the total with ease leaving the Sheikh furious and fuming after the loss.

Hail Chigumbura

Hail Chigumbura

Now, the Sheikh wants every team to loose against them else the world faces the oil wrath.Concerned about the humanity, Chigumbura took a brave move and gave a stringent reply to the Sheikh as he urged the Zimbabwean Govt. to cut the supply on the export of the African baby elephants to the Arabs.

This triggered a serious Awww wave amidst the Arab kids and the zoo owners went berserk as well.Looking at the aww quotient, Sheikh apologizes and Chigumbura rises.

On a funny note, here is the match summary (In case you wish to give a damn!)
Feb19, 2015                                                                   Oval, Nelson, New Zealand
UAE – 285/7 (50 Overs) Lost to Zimbabwe 286/6 (48 overs)
MoM- Sean Williams for his brilliant knock of 76 off 65 balls.
#WC2015 #FekuSingh