My love for the extremes

Every person you come across comes with certain traits and behavioral patterns. I think it’s the randomness which strikes the chord. There’s nothing wrong or right. In fact, it’s all relative. Overthinking is a sin. See, it has led me to retrospect myself. (LOL retrospect! You hypocrite, write the damn word ‘judge’. I know you won’t because you portray yourself as someone who doesn’t judge as deep inside you fear that intellectuals will judge you if you judge. What the judge dude! Judgebaati ho gaye be tum).

Anyhow so, what I figured about myself is that I love the extremes. For people it’s either Jon Snow or Ramsay Bolton. For me it’s ‘AND’. For some strange reasons I admire both equally.  There’s no midway.

Well the entire write-up is strictly personal about me. Why are you even reading? Weird right? I guess you’ll continue if your weirdness resonates around mine or to judge how this guy can be so weird. Vicious circle babies. It’s all a trap.

Dravid – calm & gentle and Kohli the emotionally loud. I guess my equal love for them says it all. I don’t know if there’s any connection between the extremes. In this case, even though their personalities, their game, their behavior, their leadership traits, their followers and basically everything is poles apart but deep inside their love for the game and hard work makes them very similar. It’s just the difference in the chosen paths. Both are exceptional in reality.

No sure if Honey Singh fits into the above mentioned criteria for you! But, I admit it openly – I’m a die-hard Honey Singh Fan. I love to feel Arif Lohar’s magical ‘Jugni’ with equal enthusiasm as Honey Singh’s ‘Angrejji Beat’. I re-iterate, I like Honey Singh’s music. And it is music. I dance the most on his songs and it fetches me joy. Simple! The same pattern is reflected in my food choices too. I can eat Pizzas and Biryani every day. I don’t get bored. In fact there are days, I eat one of them the entire day. This hasn’t happened off-late. I was too broke in the recent times.

Honestly, I’m not trying to act cool. That toofani karo, duniya notice karegi but I find the Airtel short haired girl really cute and NOT annoying. In fact, she’s at par with Julia Roberts, the vintage beauty. Don’t worry Messi aur Ronaldo dono equally pasand hain yeh nahi kahunga! Chill Bro! Football nahi follow karta zyada.

I like drama. When I say drama. It’s of all sorts. My life is the biggest example. Har din nautanki BC! Technically I was referring to TV shows. This might spin your head right round when I say that I’d rate Zindaggi Gulzar Hai, the Pakistani soap on a same scale with True Detective. Both are drama, catering to different segments, yet applaudable at the same time.

Too much ho gaya na ! Lekin main dheedht hu, rukunga nahin. I’ll continue to bombard you with facts about me so that if I don’t hear back from you, I get the point else we’d be sitting together tomorrow at Church Street cracking PJs and shayaris over a bowl of masala peanuts. Bhai main koi rebel vebel nahi hu in case I’m sounding like balki duniya ka sabse bada phattu. Haan, I appeared once and  a lot of eye brows were raised when I decided to travel Solo to Kerala when I heroically discarded to take along anyone who gave even the slightest of an excuse to not travel. It was fun!

Also the fact that I’m not a party person at all and I’ll be found hanging around a limited set of real friends, once hosted an epic New Year’s Party of 40 people. The best part, I didn’t know more than half of them.

Friends se yaad aya – the closest of my yaars are doing epic shit in their lives too. One is minting money at Wall Street while the other is busy being the chocolate boy of Sandalwood. The third hipster, my jaaneman, the brother from another mother is busy shooting his film at a brothel while the fourth is coding shit at an air conditioned office.

You would’ve judged me a globetrotter by now due to the way I’ve described things above. I’m not. In fact, I have not even gone beyond India once. But I’ve done a fair share of fun within the country. From a hydrophobic dumbass to a badass – someone who’s done a Grade-3 white water rafting in the Indus River counts significant.

One thing that constant keeps me alive amidst the hoopla of misadventures is my sheer ability to crack horrible jokes and write things I want to.

So, my friend, whatever you feel like is the weirdest thing about you, wear it around as an armor and never lose it. It is your biggest strength. Never did I think that I’d be writing a piece like this. #GoExtreme

Yo Bitches! Aaj ke liye itna hai. #LitluDaSwag
Isi baat pe ho jaye Makki di roti te sarso da saag. #OkBye

Zayka Chennai ka – with Mayank Dua !

Chennai? Are you going to Chennai?
For FUN! LOL. What’s wrong with you man?

Yes, these were the exact responses I was bombarded with after I told my bitches about my weekend plan. I repeat, I went to Chennai over the weekend to “ENJOY “in Chennai. It was a perfect getaway from the bustling Bangaloren lifestyle. I literally had a foodgasm! We had a great time. We as in Dua Saab (yaaron ka yaar Mayank Dua) and Batman.

Chennai always had this special place inside my heart ever since I dated a Tamilian. Oh! And how can I forget Chetan Bhagat? Neither am I a huge fan of his writing now, nor would I recommend his books except 2-States. Well, to be honest it had a role to play. After a set of serious debates, negative inputs from Pinky and Ajay Bhai, ignoring Pune and other cooler options and sticking to “How-can-I-dislike-a-place-I-have-never-been-to” Chennai was finally locked. Glad, I took that call. I volunteered myself for planning the whole thing as always and Dua Saab handled the online ticketing front.

D-Day arrived. Well, it wasn’t a usual Friday. The adventure began early morning itself. When the planner goes to salon and comes out as a retard. All, he had said was “Bhaiya I want a summer-cut”.Before he could foresee the outcome, it was too late. Trust me, my mom’s reply was

Son, firstly you quit your well-paying white collared job and now this. No, girl will even look at you. Please use the tiny little brain of yours at times. Dumbasss! (She didn’t say the last word though).

I wrapped the day early, went back home, picked my backpack and left for Dua’s mansion. We hogged some yummy Aaloo Paranthas before boarding our bus from Madiwala.

Day-1: Saturday May 23, 2015

00:00 hours – We started the journey with some catching up, which precisely included – catching up with some Tesco stuff, Dua Saab’s love life, the tales of my struggling startup phase and humming of our anthem – Yeh Veeraniyaan. We reached Chennai around 6 am, got down at Central and took an auto in search of an economy stay. “Brace Yourself Amma is coming “was the theme of the day. Jayalalitha was supposed to take the oath as the Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu. People had flown down to Madras to attend the event from all the corners of the state. All thanks to the lovely lady, all the rooms were booked and we managed to get a room finally in our sixth attempt. Hotel White Park it was. On the way, we came across Chepauk Stadium as well. That was the first genuine smile on our faces in that scorching heat.

As soon as we checked into the hotel, immediately I told Dua Saab to kick-off as we had a lot to tick-off the list. Dua Saab gave me a subtle look and politely asked me to calm the fuck down and sleep off for a while. Eventually, we both ended up sleeping for three hours which was just supposed to be a 15 minute power nap.

10:30 hours – We were ready in our white tees (The Cricket Gully) and cargos with shades and backpacks clung to our bodies. It was time to convert the potential energy to kinetic.

With a lot of skepticism, we got into a Black-Yellow auto rickshaw to head towards our first eatery joint – Ratna Café, Triplicane. To our sheer surprise, this guy didn’t overcharge us but the worst part, no one travels on a meter in Chennai even during the daytime. Well, you need to deal with it in case you do not believe in the technological advancements like OlaCabs.

The ambience of the restaurant was not at all good. It looked like a college mess but trust the once you taste their sambhar, you will go bonkers. It’s the kind North Indians usually eat, the one on a spicier note. We had idly-vada with multiple refilling of the lip smacking sambhar. The best part, their waiters carry jugs filled with sambhar all the time, you need not have to ask for the replenishment.

We burped and moved on to our next hop in the list. Yes, the same list which I tricked Dua Saab into. Well, I did my part. I had all the to-visit locations ready for him on the paper, all he had to do was to connect the dots through his GPS and boom he did it in style. Cheers to our old man’s awesomeness. As opposed to his theory of saving energy for future, we decided to walk into those dingy lanes and finally reached Bombay Lassi, a small place behind Devi Theater. We tried their Chilled Lassi topped with Basundi and seriously it was worth the traveling in those extreme conditions.

From there we decided to take a walk down the memory lane. We visited the Government Museum.Right from the art to bronze to Science gallery everything was fascinating about that red colored institution and the best part is we bought some postcards from the Connemara Library. You lucky fellas, they are on your way.

Madhu, my colleague and a very good friend joined us from there and the trio set off for Sarvana Bhavan, Mylapore- The land of Temples. We ordered a ghee roast masala dosa, chili parotta and some masala fried idlies. My eyes were lit up seeing the size of the dosa. It was meant to give me family packs and the crumbled chili parantha was cooked to perfection as well. The amazing part about the idly was, it seemed to look like a Gobi-Manchurian. You cannot even call it a piece of rice. Meanwhile, Dua saab got high over the food and started cracking his deadly PJs. We a lot can happen over a Dosa.Highly recommended place. It has a lot of Chains globally but this junction amidst the temples is divine.

Later, we decided to go for a quick evening digestive stroll in the area and whoa we barged into a legendary place – Rayar’s Mess. You won’t even know if it’s a restaurant even if you are standing right in front of it. These guys serve the best coffee in the town, undoubtedly. There was no place to sit inside, so made use of the porch outside and had the coffee of our lives.

Madhu left and within no time using the highly optimized route we managed to reach the Kapaleshwar temple on time. After nurturing the religious side of the place it was time to go beachside – Elliot’s in Beasant Nagar. The beach is nicely maintained and is surrounded with too many eating options. We tried some corn and gave our moving bums some thoroughly deserved rest on the shore. Dua Saab was engrossed with admiring those waves meanwhile I was having my kind of fun – Reading. My second favorite activity after eating.

I read about a boardroom brawl and how Clem Hill beat the hell out of McAlister. After a relaxing evening we thought of giving the Broken Bridge a shot. The same bridge shown in the movie 2-States. Again, we took another auto to go to a place just 1 km from our location, thanks to our lazy ass Dua.Till now, everything was going as per the plan, which was highly unusual.

On the way, I was singing out loud – Mann Mast Magan, Bas Tera Naam Dohraye but our joy was short lived. Boom!Dua Saab got a notification from Book MY Show – “Time to Leave – Tanu Weds Manu Returns starts in one hour.” Holy Shit! Wasn’t that supposed to be tomorrow? How can I be so careless while booking, Dua sighed! Aaila, but anyhow we showed some agility and within a minute we thought of skipping the romantic Alia moment (FYI: we both love her, however dumb she might be) and decided to take the same auto to AGS Cinemas, Villivakkam.

But everything comes with an auto-charge in Chennai. We knew we were doomed and purposefully didn’t bargain. We immediately saw a 500 rupee drifting down the lane but we didn’t have a choice. I told the auto guy in a childish –tone “Anna show us the Narayan Karthikeyan in you. Bhagao“. He literally took it to his heart and took a U-turn in a flash on the sandy road. The auto lost its balance and we almost had a nearly-death encounter as we started to slide downwards towards the water belt. We had our balls inside our mouths and I was like “Bhagwan Jee aakhri ichcha to pooch lete”. Thanks to those sturdy bushes for saving our asses. We owe them one.

Later, I jumped out of the auto, followed by Dua Saab and the auto guy. Dua Saab was the bravest amongst the lot.Without giving a damn about his brand new UCB’s 800 bucks Chappal which was lost and the accidentally damaged phone cover, he started pushing the auto upwards on his own. I also added my force vector in the same direction and the auto guy started pulling the auto upwards from the front. Finally we did it. We were back on the surface. Meanwhile I was thanking GOD, our Dua Saab came up with another masterpiece – “Bhai Dua ka saath ho jiske, uska ghanta koi kuch ukhaad sakta hai.”. I took a deep breath looked up and sang – “Dua tera swagger laage sexy” and we started marching towards our Tanu jee.

Thanks to the fiasco, we reached 15 minutes late for the movie. Something that’s very rare in my life. I have a knack of reaching early to the theaters. I do not like to stamp on someone’s foot, who had the courtesy to reach early .My conscience doesn’t allow to block the view of a settled person. At the same time I believe in (Khandani Filmy Hoon. Aaya Hu To Saare Trailers Dekh Kar Jaunga) making full use of the paid resources. But this was an exception. Anyhow, the guy next to us was kind enough to share the plot we had missed. Kangana and Pappi Bhaiya stole the show. Never in my life had I imagined that I would watch a movie loaded with Haryanvi punches amidst a 99% Tamilian crowd and I would shout my lungs out on every dialogue.


The most we were cursing ourselves to spend a lot on the auto rides we came across an auto guy, who not only gave us an honest advice to travel via a local rail to reach back to Central at the earliest but also charged us a minimal 50 rupee fare to drop us till the Villivakkam Railway Station. Well, let’s not stereotype the crowd as the people usually do, there are great people out there as well.

At night,Dua Saab got a news which made him emotional and the day gradually ended with some philosophical talk with soulful music from Arijit Singh being played in the backdrop.

Day2: Sunday May 24, 2015

01:00 Hours – No one of us actually slept and were talking the whole while. In between Dua Saab comes with this – “I’ve reached to such a state in life,that only a few close buddies and family matter to me. Thak gaya hu doosro ke liye kar karke. Jab doosre value nahi karta toh bura lagta hai. Bas ab aur nahi!” I replied,”Dua Ho Ja Zara Matlabi” in a filmy style. I think both the fools deserve some slow claps here. Finally we crashed down.

Google Fit was clearly indicating that our Dua Saab had travelled 20 times his average steps in a day. Now, that was something fascinating to start the day. We checked out at sharp 10 and headed straight to the nearest Murugan Idly Shop. I could die for those Idlies, podi idly to be precise. Served on a Banana leaf with 4 kinds of chutneys on the side its steamed rice topped with a red-colored powder soaked in Ghee. It is something I can never forget and definitely intend to have it in the menu at my wedding (in whatever way it happens – Northie or a Southie). I would rate that dish at par with a cheese burst pizza on my food-scale. We hogged enough of those tiny little things to run on it for a day. At last we had a refreshing drink called as JIGARTHANDA to end the breakfast on a cooler note.

We went straight to Broadway Bus Terminal and boarded a 277B AC Volvo for Mahabalipuram, also known as Mamallapuram. We explored every corner of the UNESCO World Heritage Site. Trust me, there is more than just stone carvings to the place. It’s beautiful. Both of us went into a teenager’s shoes and clicked pictures like crazy.

On the way back we got down near Nungambakkam and tried scavenging the area. Sadly, Royal Sandwich Shop was closed on a Sunday but The Fruits Shop on Greams Road made it up for that.The smoothies were amazing. Finally it was time to cross off the best and the most awaited place from my list – The Marina. It’s a paradise for seafood lovers. It has a fish-market theme. You can pick up the kind of seafood you like, weigh it and get it cooked as per your taste. I had my eyes on a sexy looking Black Pomfret the moment I had entered and decided to take it with me. Alongside that I had ordered some Prawns as well. Both were grilled to perfection and presented nicely with some fresh onions and juicy citrus lemons. I still wish to eat it as I pen this down.The staff was courteous and service was impeccable. Dua Saab in a parallel universe was busy eating some boring ghaas-phoos.

I didn’t even care to properly make a note of it and consider it worth mentioning here. I usually tend to become overly emotional and honest in case I’m high on good food and the same scenario happened. I went on gyaan-giving spree. I started sharing my other travel tales and how travel has made me a better person, a better friend.Hopefully, this turns out to be true in this case as well.

At last we reached our final destination, Shama Sardar Travels. We came across another good soul, who didn’t loot us. Charged the bare minimum from The Marina to Periamet. We were two hours early to our schedule, so a unanimous call on finding a place to watch the IPL final was taken. We are initially kicked out of one place but we couldn’t afford to not watch the game. We tried our luck again and this time we honestly told “Anna we are only here to see the match. Neither are we going to book a room here, nor are we eating anything. In case you don’t mind, we can sit and I am writer and I promise to spread a good word about you and the place on the internet”. And it worked. As promised thank you Mr. Badshah and SR Guest House, Periamet for a truly humble and modest behavior. Next time I am using your lodging. We moved out during the innings break out of courtesy and didn’t want to occupy his couch meant for his guests. But truly you were a King, Mr. Badshah.

Guys, let me tell you one thing very clearly. It’s all bullshit that people from Chennai are mean and they hate North Indians. It’s not the case my friend. It’s all about your perspective and they do speak Hindi and English as well. And learning a couple of Tamil words won’t affect your ego. I leant a couple of words, tried respecting their culture and met some nice people out there.

At last, just before our departure point we made ourselves comfortable outside Hotel Bell Central and wrapped the second innings there. We boarded our bus around 11. On the way back we spoke about Dua Saab’s circle of friends. Now, I literally know everything about everyone. It’s just that I haven’t met anyone in person except Kushagra – The Tau. We had those conversations where you laugh more than you talk. Dua Saab thanks for being there and making this trip so memorable.

I am always there and I’ll be the bro every bro wants! Cheers

In conversation with Brett Lee’s Ball

I think it’s been a while I have moved my arse off Bangalore. I have been acting too lazy to plan a trip.What’s wrong with you boy? Life’s too short to not travel, meet your favorite people, eat the food you like, love what you do and get lost in your wanderlust. Better do something about your life bitch ! These were the exact thoughts hovering in my mind just before I dozed off last night.

Helloes ! Anyone here? Binga ! Binga !
He is not at home. He is busy with the Irishmen, preaching the art of pace bowling in the World Cup.Either you can go to the ground now or you can drop a note and I shall pass it on to my master.Oh ! Okay. I am a huge fan of Brett Lee since my childhood. Do you mind if I sit here for a while and absorb the moment. Surely, and by the way same here. I’m so glad to have been in his hands for the last one and a half decades. Though, my shine and seam has gone for a toss but still the amount of respect this Kookaburra gets till day is impeccable.

Binga !

Ahaan. Can I please jot down this conversation, so I can go back and share it with my cricket frenzied nation? Definitely. Just make sure it’s brutally honest; the way my master is, said the leather cherry smilingly. Bowl !

Lalit : Pardon me. I didn’t get your name?
Ball : Haha. That’s fine. I am The Blonde’s Bombshell. I got the name when I sent 5 batsmen back to the pavilion with pride and pace equaling Lillee’s record of a five-for on the debut. Lee running with his blonde hair, caressing me on the way to do the trick and boom I did full justice to my master’s expectations.It was the perfect welcome anyone could get into the cricketing arena.

Lalit : How do you compare that day with today?
Ball : As mentioned earlier, when though I have become old and torn but till day we both share a mutual admiration towards each other. We are still the best of friends. He plays with me every morning and makes sure I am being valued .I am sexy and I know it.

Lalit : When did you actually realize that you were in great hands?
Ball :  It was in 2005, The Boxing Day. Kallis, one of the most difficult guys to penetrate through was on the strike. Lee kissed me and told me look friend gear up! Trust me you are gonna love this ride. He ran fiercely and held me tightly from head to toe and with that trajectory I went bouncing right into his helmet bamboozling him completely. Kallis was left dumbstruck. Minutes later, I knocked his timbers out of the groove. Then I realized, if I can get into this hole, I am not but my master is awesome.

Lalit : Is there any incident, which was too funny and still cracks you up?
Ball :  Yeah sometime back Piers Morgan challenged Lee that he would belt me all round the park.I looked at Brett and said game on. Forget about hitting me, he couldn’t even feel me till I hit him right on his shoulder, head, hand and booty respectively. You can call that stint as #TearsForPiers. Still cracks me up the way he ran for his life after that over.

Lalit : Is there any achievement you would like to share in particular?
Ball :  I don’t wish to act like a humble brag. But since you have asked me, let me share it. Not one, rather two actually.Firstly,I was the first one to take a T-20 hat trick .Secondly,I have the highest blood count of 380 scalps on my seam in ODIs as an Australian.

Lalit : What is that one day you wish to delete from your life?
Ball: Damn! You reminded me again.
Lalit : I am sorry. You can skip it.
Ball : It’s fine. Even though it was unintentional but I still feel bad. I ended Alex Tudor’s career in 2002 as I hit him right on the face.

Lalit : Which batsmen do you dislike the most?
Ball : Brian Lara and VVS Laxman. Former was a slaughter and the latter a surgeon. These two gave me sleepless nights and I hate them.

Lalit : Who is your best friend apart from Lee?
Ball : Adam Gilchrist. He takes care of me and I feel safe in his gloves. It’s a delight to watch Lee celebrate from that view as well.

Lalit: How has your journey been so far?
Ball :  Adventurous. I was always on the run. Lee never slowed down, however the conditions were. I was criticized in the early 2000s for not being a quality test material and as in and out of the side due to poor form and a couple of injuries. That was a sad time sitting back at home. Then I recovered back and answered the critics. In the 2005 I hit the 99.99 miles/hour barrier in NZ. That was insane and moreover when you have an outrageous fan following through thick and thin you feel loved and pampered (by the female ones). Overall a great stint with international career.

Lalit : Lastly tell us about the farewell day at Big Bash.
Ball : I was a no less than a romantic thriller. Initially I was seeing the proceedings with a heavy heart, was recollecting all the good memories that I had cherished on the field but then in the last over I became a thriller as I picked up 3 wickets nearly giving the title to the Sydney Sixers.

Well, it was great talking to you and before I could thank him for the wonderful insights I woke up from my slumber and was transported back to Namma Bengaluru from New South Wales where Lee lives. Hail Binga and his Bombshell !

PS: I won’t procrastinate, going to Amritsar finally and yeah Good morning.

Cricket-Gear: That’s how they roll

The world cup fever has certainly taken a toll on my life these days. I literally see our Indian cricket team everywhere, be it on my desktop, the cover picture on Facebook, the graffiti on my work space wall or even on the roads.You won’t believe me, every time I see a Volkswagen Polo passing by; I shout out loud “Hey Bhuvi ! Practice pe dhyaan de, yahaan kya kar raha hai (Practice dude! Don’t fool around)?”

“The car we drive says a lot about us” – Alexandra Paul

Here’s my analogy of the Indian players and their equivalent Indian car models I see on the roads :

Shikhar Dhawan – Tata Safari
It’s sturdy, brutal and powerful. When it’s on a song, the journey looks beautiful.
Exactly the way India never looses when Dhawan plays big and hits a century.
The rowdy Dhawan

Rohit Sharma – Chevrolet Cruze
It’s over hyped. The only reason it sells is because of Chevrolet’s three years’ service warranty policy.The same holds true for Mr. Sharma. The hero scores a double ton and cements his berth for the next three years. Highly inconsistent with a below par mileage but still people buy it based on Chevrolet’s reputation, calling it a talented car.The talented Rohit

Bhuvneshwar Kumar – Volkswagen Polo
Polo is simple, effective, and economical. At the same time it’s a highly engineered product just like Bhuvi’s swinging deliveries.The Engineered Bowler

Ravichandran Ashwin: Reva (Mahindra) e2O.
The only certified electric car in India, exactly on the lines of Ashwin being the only quality off break bowler present in India. Highly environment friendly on Indian tracks.The unique spinner

Ajinkya Rahane: Mahindra Thar
Consistent and highly reliable on all the possible terrains be it a desert, hill or a city ride.
The most complete and versatile Indian car at the moment just like Ajinkya’s technique.
The complete man

Sir Ravindra Jadeja: Nissan Sunny
Jack of all trades master of none. Doesn’t stand a chance in terms of quality against the big names.Everything is average be it engine or interiors exactly resembling Jaddu’s batting and bowling.The looks is the deception point just like Sirjee’s exceptional fielding skills.
The Sirjee factor
Mahendra Singh Dhoni: Maruti Swift
It is the common man’s hero and effortlessly reaches the masses. Very low on maintenance and highly dependable. It gives you a non-bumpy, confident ride even on the roads less traveled.
Match winner -Dhoni

Umesh Yadav: Honda CRV
It has got speed and power but highly expensive. Very difficult to maintain and overshoots your economic budget, the way Yadav leaks a boundary on the legs in every over.
The expensive one

Suresh Raina: Toyota Innova
Always takes the team along. It has got a great pickup ability exactly what Raina does
to the scoring rate once he arrives. It is selfless as has even taken the tag of a taxi in the
process of taking the team along. It’s a highly reliable car especially in the mid of chasing long milestones.
The team man

Mohammed Shami: Hyundai i20- Elite
New in the market and has shown record breaking results. It is the car of the year just like
Shami has been the pick of the lot amongst the leading wicket takers this year. I20 Elite has got all the features old and some new, like Shami possesses with the old ball and the new. The best part is, no one actually minds it being expensive.
Leading bowler of the year

Virat Kohli: Jaguar XF
Class Apart.
Class apart
PS: Now, don’t go out and start calling a hummer as ABD. DON’T!
(Fueled by Dhruv Chikara)

Cricket Sledging: To roast or not to roast?

In a game of thrones or cricket half the battle is played in the mind. Sledging is nothing but an art of mental disintegration and checkmating your opponent’s nerves through your wit. It is a practice followed on a cricket field with the sole intention of messing around with your combatant’s concentration, resulting him to fumble and under perform.

How to sledge?

The most important ingredient of any sledge is humor. Anything funny is perfect, but anything too serious is despicable. It’s better to be spontaneous, wherein you just drop bomb sarcastically and boom you can penetrate the ranks of the archenemy while he is busy deciphering your remarks and thinking about everything except his game. It’s all about seizing the moment and no one did it better than Australian Merv Hughes. Hands down!

Merv - The Sledge King

The term sledging was coined by an Australian who swore in the presence of a woman and was described as being a SLEDGEHAMMER. However, the Englishmen propose that after one of their guy’s wife was caught having an affair with Percy Sledge (another team mate) and the opposition made a huge deal out of it on the field; the phrase came into existence.

To roast or not to roast?

This whole idea of a verbal spat is a highly debatable topic, whether it should be practiced in a gentleman’s game or not. Ultimately, it boils down to each and every individual how he perceives it.

According to me, sledging is an integral part of the game as long as it’s not a racist or a personal attack. It is healthy for the sport to survive. It shows that there is a soul in the game and emotions are attached to it. At times, sledging helps in shattering the monotonousness and brings back the crowd on their toes. Look, ours is a competitive world and while competing emotions do tend to out pour. So, let them come out. It’s a sound sign of being involved passionately with the game.

You complete meBest example Kohli-Johnson saga in last series. A few sparks here and there between the duo just set the right tempo for the team. Not only it resulted in upgrading their game but the viewers were equally entertained. It brings back the charm, the fun and television ratings .

Let me cite you another example. Why was The Dark Knight so successful? It is because of the fact that the antagonist of the film; the Joker, was a divine force in itself. People just loved their rivalry and the fact that both of them complemented each other. It is good to have the unknown factor being involved in the equation of the game.

Why should players have all the fun?

Forget about the players, even the umpires tend to sledge and get sledged in the spirit of the game. In one of the club cricket games, a tense finish was on the cards due to a number of dropped catches. A plumb was turned down and as the captain inquired about the denial, the umpire replied “If you bastards could catch, this game would be over by now “.

In another incident, this time the referee was on the receiving end. Once Michael Holding was bowling in Australia and he hit the batsman’s pads right in front of the wicket. To which, the umpire declared the batsman as not-out. After the over as Holding took his hat back from the umpire, he looked right into his eyes and snapped “At least you can count to six”.

How the crowd sledges?

The Australian crowd is even more hostile than their players. That’s the reason The Ashes is a highly renowned encounter. Out there it’s war. It is a war against your self- belief, your confidence and your dignity. You have to be strong enough to win it. That’s the real test of your character and he, who passes it makes it to the lists of legends. There have been incidents where in a spectator has made the batsman loose his cool and deceived him to get out.

Yabba Statue at SCG

Stephen Harold Gascoigne known as Yabba was one such an iconic figure in that context. He has a bronze-statue named after him at SCG. Once a batsman was adjusting his L-guard. To that he entertained him with his sarcastic comment “These are the only balls you’ve touched all day” .In the bodyline series Douglas Jardine became pissed with a fly hovering over his hand. After a series of failed attempts to shoo it away Yabba shouted from the stands “Leave our flies alone. They are the only friends you’ve got.”

You won’t believe that a personality like Don Bradman has tried it once. Patrick Patterson to Sir Don Bradman during 1980s in one of the games while Merv Hughes was unbeaten by the Caribbean pace battery -‘You, Don Bradman? You, Don Bradman? I bowl at you. I kill you man.I split you in two!’ Don: You couldn’t even get Merv Hughes out. You’d have no chance against me, mate!’ Nailed it!

If done in a smarter way, sledging works fine but it does backfire if you try acting cocky with an intent to get personal and majorly the Australians have been at the receiving end except for Merv Hughes who did it for fun and was the real MVP. Let me share some of the epic back firings where the envelope not only got pushed, rather exploded.

Aussie mishaps

Mark Waugh: “I remember you from a couple of years ago. You were shit then and you’re fucken useless now!” To which Adam Parore replied, “Yeah that’s me. And I remember you were dating that old, ugly slut. I see you’ve married her now. You dumb cunt”.

McGrath: “Why are you so fat?”
Brandes: “Because every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”

Healy bugging Ranatunga

Ian Healy to Ranatunga , “Got your legs shivering?”
Arjuna– “Yes, I am tired after sleeping with your wife.”

There are instances when people have lashed their anger out just because they were either too upset or too quirky to win. This is something I would not appreciate.

In the interest of the game, too much of fucks we ought to chuck.

Mike Whitney: “Stay in your crease or I’ll break your fucken head”.
Ravi Shastri replied: “If you could bowl as well as you talk you wouldn’t be the fucken 12th man!”

Once Fred Trueman was bowling and got an edge from the batsman which went between Row’s legs, who was fielding at slip. At the end of the over, Row runs over to Trueman and says: “Sorry Fred, I should’ve kept my legs closed”. Trueman: “So should your mother”.

The furious pup.

Michael Clarke once told England’s Jimmy Anderson to get ready for a broken fucking arm. It was like fucking a hollow body without a soul .How can you frighten a tailender with a bodyline field that too against the most deadly bowler? That’s rape.

Great sledges are the one’s done in the right spirit where not only the duo involved in it loves it but the audience as well. As I leave you all do take a minute out and think about a cricketer’s freedom of speech. Meanwhile, enjoy the rib tickling roasting –

My personal favorites

James Ormond came out to bat in a match with Australia. Mark Waugh, at slip, “What are you doing out here? You’re too shit to play for England!” Ormond replied: “Maybe so, but at least I’m the best player in my family”.

Sangakkara to Pollock during a match in 2003 WC, ” Tons of pressure here for the skipper, yeah? Gonna let his whole country down now if he fails. Oh Lots of expectations fellas. Come on! The weight of all the country’s expectations, 42 million supporters right here depending on Shaun”.

Merv Hughes to Robin Smith: “If you turn the bat over you’ll get the instructions mate”. Rob replied after hitting a boundary, “Hey Merv! We make a good pair. I can’t fucking bat and you can’t fucking bowl”

Beefy at his best

Rod Marsh: “So how’s your wife and my kids?”
Botham: “Wife’s fine. Kids are retarded”.

References – Why are you so fat? , Gershan Portnoi

PS: Keep calm and sledge gracefully. I’d be pleased to hear some Bakchodi from your end in the comments section.

Lucia hits Gayle’s nervous system, switches him to Godzilla mode.

Anti-doping agency has confirmed that just before the match Christopher Henry Gayle took a sip of Kingfisher beer, which seem to be adulterated with Lucia medicine. The probe was initiated as Chris Gayle (who hasn’t played for the need of the nation since the inception of the IPL) scored a barbaric double ton today against Zimbabwe.

Gayle has admitted that due to the chemical locha, he could see Vijay Mallya hovering over his head and was allegedly tricked that it was a RCB game and he wasn’t using his skill for free for the Caribbean board. With every ball that he faced, he could hear a voice that said “Every six is proportional to a date with the Kingfisher calendar girl. #SwalpaHitMaadi” and that kept him going for the kill.

This was batting today,not Chris Gayle

This was batting today,not Chris Gayle

The effect of the medicine was prominent till he reached the 200 mark but by the time he regained his consciousness the damage was already done. Meanwhile Gayle has been roped in as the brand ambassador of a new North Korean medicine brand  – “Being Inhumane” .The PR agencies have suggested that due to his extraordinary dancing skills he was offered the contract as a potential threat to South Korea’s PSY.

On a funny note, here is the match summary (Please give a damn!)
Feb 24, 2015: Canberra, Australia
WI – 372/2 (50 Overs) defeated Zim 289/10 (44.3 overs) D/L Method
MoM- Chris Gayle for his monstrous knock of 215 off 147 balls and a spell of 6-35-2.

Sasural Shikhar Ka

Last evening when Shikhar Dhawan was grooming his mustache while the team was practicing for the big game against the Proteas, Dhawan got a call. To his sheer surprise his mother-in-law had called, with whom he hadn’t spoken in ages. Who would’ve thought a phone call from a saasu maa, would’ve changed the course of the game and history would be re-written.

Look son, it’s an ultimatum call for you. We cannot even go out in the colony.
Considering your current form and the rate at which our neighbors are teasing us, I think we will have to relocate unless you start performing.

Hail Dhawan !

Dhawan giving Choke-slam to the Proteas!

It made Shikhar re-think on his game plan and he skipped the mustache grooming session and Dhawan was seen practicing in the nets today morning. Rest is history.
Courtesy his fearless choke slams, India defeated South Africa in the World Cups in the fourth head-to-head encounter finally.

On a funny note, here is the match summary (In case you wish to give a damn!)
Feb 22, 2015                                                                                 Melbourne, Australia
India – 307/7 (50 Overs) defeated SA 177/10 (40.2 overs)
MoM- Shikhar Dhawan for his fearless knock of 137 off 146 balls.