In conversation with Brett Lee’s Ball

I think it’s been a while I have moved my arse off Bangalore. I have been acting too lazy to plan a trip.What’s wrong with you boy? Life’s too short to not travel, meet your favorite people, eat the food you like, love what you do and get lost in your wanderlust. Better do something about your life bitch ! These were the exact thoughts hovering in my mind just before I dozed off last night.

Helloes ! Anyone here? Binga ! Binga !
He is not at home. He is busy with the Irishmen, preaching the art of pace bowling in the World Cup.Either you can go to the ground now or you can drop a note and I shall pass it on to my master.Oh ! Okay. I am a huge fan of Brett Lee since my childhood. Do you mind if I sit here for a while and absorb the moment. Surely, and by the way same here. I’m so glad to have been in his hands for the last one and a half decades. Though, my shine and seam has gone for a toss but still the amount of respect this Kookaburra gets till day is impeccable.

Binga !

Ahaan. Can I please jot down this conversation, so I can go back and share it with my cricket frenzied nation? Definitely. Just make sure it’s brutally honest; the way my master is, said the leather cherry smilingly. Bowl !

Lalit : Pardon me. I didn’t get your name?
Ball : Haha. That’s fine. I am The Blonde’s Bombshell. I got the name when I sent 5 batsmen back to the pavilion with pride and pace equaling Lillee’s record of a five-for on the debut. Lee running with his blonde hair, caressing me on the way to do the trick and boom I did full justice to my master’s expectations.It was the perfect welcome anyone could get into the cricketing arena.

Lalit : How do you compare that day with today?
Ball : As mentioned earlier, when though I have become old and torn but till day we both share a mutual admiration towards each other. We are still the best of friends. He plays with me every morning and makes sure I am being valued .I am sexy and I know it.

Lalit : When did you actually realize that you were in great hands?
Ball :  It was in 2005, The Boxing Day. Kallis, one of the most difficult guys to penetrate through was on the strike. Lee kissed me and told me look friend gear up! Trust me you are gonna love this ride. He ran fiercely and held me tightly from head to toe and with that trajectory I went bouncing right into his helmet bamboozling him completely. Kallis was left dumbstruck. Minutes later, I knocked his timbers out of the groove. Then I realized, if I can get into this hole, I am not but my master is awesome.

Lalit : Is there any incident, which was too funny and still cracks you up?
Ball :  Yeah sometime back Piers Morgan challenged Lee that he would belt me all round the park.I looked at Brett and said game on. Forget about hitting me, he couldn’t even feel me till I hit him right on his shoulder, head, hand and booty respectively. You can call that stint as #TearsForPiers. Still cracks me up the way he ran for his life after that over.

Lalit : Is there any achievement you would like to share in particular?
Ball :  I don’t wish to act like a humble brag. But since you have asked me, let me share it. Not one, rather two actually.Firstly,I was the first one to take a T-20 hat trick .Secondly,I have the highest blood count of 380 scalps on my seam in ODIs as an Australian.

Lalit : What is that one day you wish to delete from your life?
Ball: Damn! You reminded me again.
Lalit : I am sorry. You can skip it.
Ball : It’s fine. Even though it was unintentional but I still feel bad. I ended Alex Tudor’s career in 2002 as I hit him right on the face.

Lalit : Which batsmen do you dislike the most?
Ball : Brian Lara and VVS Laxman. Former was a slaughter and the latter a surgeon. These two gave me sleepless nights and I hate them.

Lalit : Who is your best friend apart from Lee?
Ball : Adam Gilchrist. He takes care of me and I feel safe in his gloves. It’s a delight to watch Lee celebrate from that view as well.

Lalit: How has your journey been so far?
Ball :  Adventurous. I was always on the run. Lee never slowed down, however the conditions were. I was criticized in the early 2000s for not being a quality test material and as in and out of the side due to poor form and a couple of injuries. That was a sad time sitting back at home. Then I recovered back and answered the critics. In the 2005 I hit the 99.99 miles/hour barrier in NZ. That was insane and moreover when you have an outrageous fan following through thick and thin you feel loved and pampered (by the female ones). Overall a great stint with international career.

Lalit : Lastly tell us about the farewell day at Big Bash.
Ball : I was a no less than a romantic thriller. Initially I was seeing the proceedings with a heavy heart, was recollecting all the good memories that I had cherished on the field but then in the last over I became a thriller as I picked up 3 wickets nearly giving the title to the Sydney Sixers.

Well, it was great talking to you and before I could thank him for the wonderful insights I woke up from my slumber and was transported back to Namma Bengaluru from New South Wales where Lee lives. Hail Binga and his Bombshell !

PS: I won’t procrastinate, going to Amritsar finally and yeah Good morning.

Cricket-Gear: That’s how they roll

The world cup fever has certainly taken a toll on my life these days. I literally see our Indian cricket team everywhere, be it on my desktop, the cover picture on Facebook, the graffiti on my work space wall or even on the roads.You won’t believe me, every time I see a Volkswagen Polo passing by; I shout out loud “Hey Bhuvi ! Practice pe dhyaan de, yahaan kya kar raha hai (Practice dude! Don’t fool around)?”

“The car we drive says a lot about us” – Alexandra Paul

Here’s my analogy of the Indian players and their equivalent Indian car models I see on the roads :

Shikhar Dhawan – Tata Safari
It’s sturdy, brutal and powerful. When it’s on a song, the journey looks beautiful.
Exactly the way India never looses when Dhawan plays big and hits a century.
The rowdy Dhawan

Rohit Sharma – Chevrolet Cruze
It’s over hyped. The only reason it sells is because of Chevrolet’s three years’ service warranty policy.The same holds true for Mr. Sharma. The hero scores a double ton and cements his berth for the next three years. Highly inconsistent with a below par mileage but still people buy it based on Chevrolet’s reputation, calling it a talented car.The talented Rohit

Bhuvneshwar Kumar – Volkswagen Polo
Polo is simple, effective, and economical. At the same time it’s a highly engineered product just like Bhuvi’s swinging deliveries.The Engineered Bowler

Ravichandran Ashwin: Reva (Mahindra) e2O.
The only certified electric car in India, exactly on the lines of Ashwin being the only quality off break bowler present in India. Highly environment friendly on Indian tracks.The unique spinner

Ajinkya Rahane: Mahindra Thar
Consistent and highly reliable on all the possible terrains be it a desert, hill or a city ride.
The most complete and versatile Indian car at the moment just like Ajinkya’s technique.
The complete man

Sir Ravindra Jadeja: Nissan Sunny
Jack of all trades master of none. Doesn’t stand a chance in terms of quality against the big names.Everything is average be it engine or interiors exactly resembling Jaddu’s batting and bowling.The looks is the deception point just like Sirjee’s exceptional fielding skills.
The Sirjee factor
Mahendra Singh Dhoni: Maruti Swift
It is the common man’s hero and effortlessly reaches the masses. Very low on maintenance and highly dependable. It gives you a non-bumpy, confident ride even on the roads less traveled.
Match winner -Dhoni

Umesh Yadav: Honda CRV
It has got speed and power but highly expensive. Very difficult to maintain and overshoots your economic budget, the way Yadav leaks a boundary on the legs in every over.
The expensive one

Suresh Raina: Toyota Innova
Always takes the team along. It has got a great pickup ability exactly what Raina does
to the scoring rate once he arrives. It is selfless as has even taken the tag of a taxi in the
process of taking the team along. It’s a highly reliable car especially in the mid of chasing long milestones.
The team man

Mohammed Shami: Hyundai i20- Elite
New in the market and has shown record breaking results. It is the car of the year just like
Shami has been the pick of the lot amongst the leading wicket takers this year. I20 Elite has got all the features old and some new, like Shami possesses with the old ball and the new. The best part is, no one actually minds it being expensive.
Leading bowler of the year

Virat Kohli: Jaguar XF
Class Apart.
Class apart
PS: Now, don’t go out and start calling a hummer as ABD. DON’T!
(Fueled by Dhruv Chikara)

Cricket Sledging: To roast or not to roast?

In a game of thrones or cricket half the battle is played in the mind. Sledging is nothing but an art of mental disintegration and checkmating your opponent’s nerves through your wit. It is a practice followed on a cricket field with the sole intention of messing around with your combatant’s concentration, resulting him to fumble and under perform.

How to sledge?

The most important ingredient of any sledge is humor. Anything funny is perfect, but anything too serious is despicable. It’s better to be spontaneous, wherein you just drop bomb sarcastically and boom you can penetrate the ranks of the archenemy while he is busy deciphering your remarks and thinking about everything except his game. It’s all about seizing the moment and no one did it better than Australian Merv Hughes. Hands down!

Merv - The Sledge King

The term sledging was coined by an Australian who swore in the presence of a woman and was described as being a SLEDGEHAMMER. However, the Englishmen propose that after one of their guy’s wife was caught having an affair with Percy Sledge (another team mate) and the opposition made a huge deal out of it on the field; the phrase came into existence.

To roast or not to roast?

This whole idea of a verbal spat is a highly debatable topic, whether it should be practiced in a gentleman’s game or not. Ultimately, it boils down to each and every individual how he perceives it.

According to me, sledging is an integral part of the game as long as it’s not a racist or a personal attack. It is healthy for the sport to survive. It shows that there is a soul in the game and emotions are attached to it. At times, sledging helps in shattering the monotonousness and brings back the crowd on their toes. Look, ours is a competitive world and while competing emotions do tend to out pour. So, let them come out. It’s a sound sign of being involved passionately with the game.

You complete meBest example Kohli-Johnson saga in last series. A few sparks here and there between the duo just set the right tempo for the team. Not only it resulted in upgrading their game but the viewers were equally entertained. It brings back the charm, the fun and television ratings .

Let me cite you another example. Why was The Dark Knight so successful? It is because of the fact that the antagonist of the film; the Joker, was a divine force in itself. People just loved their rivalry and the fact that both of them complemented each other. It is good to have the unknown factor being involved in the equation of the game.

Why should players have all the fun?

Forget about the players, even the umpires tend to sledge and get sledged in the spirit of the game. In one of the club cricket games, a tense finish was on the cards due to a number of dropped catches. A plumb was turned down and as the captain inquired about the denial, the umpire replied “If you bastards could catch, this game would be over by now “.

In another incident, this time the referee was on the receiving end. Once Michael Holding was bowling in Australia and he hit the batsman’s pads right in front of the wicket. To which, the umpire declared the batsman as not-out. After the over as Holding took his hat back from the umpire, he looked right into his eyes and snapped “At least you can count to six”.

How the crowd sledges?

The Australian crowd is even more hostile than their players. That’s the reason The Ashes is a highly renowned encounter. Out there it’s war. It is a war against your self- belief, your confidence and your dignity. You have to be strong enough to win it. That’s the real test of your character and he, who passes it makes it to the lists of legends. There have been incidents where in a spectator has made the batsman loose his cool and deceived him to get out.

Yabba Statue at SCG

Stephen Harold Gascoigne known as Yabba was one such an iconic figure in that context. He has a bronze-statue named after him at SCG. Once a batsman was adjusting his L-guard. To that he entertained him with his sarcastic comment “These are the only balls you’ve touched all day” .In the bodyline series Douglas Jardine became pissed with a fly hovering over his hand. After a series of failed attempts to shoo it away Yabba shouted from the stands “Leave our flies alone. They are the only friends you’ve got.”

You won’t believe that a personality like Don Bradman has tried it once. Patrick Patterson to Sir Don Bradman during 1980s in one of the games while Merv Hughes was unbeaten by the Caribbean pace battery -‘You, Don Bradman? You, Don Bradman? I bowl at you. I kill you man.I split you in two!’ Don: You couldn’t even get Merv Hughes out. You’d have no chance against me, mate!’ Nailed it!

If done in a smarter way, sledging works fine but it does backfire if you try acting cocky with an intent to get personal and majorly the Australians have been at the receiving end except for Merv Hughes who did it for fun and was the real MVP. Let me share some of the epic back firings where the envelope not only got pushed, rather exploded.

Aussie mishaps

Mark Waugh: “I remember you from a couple of years ago. You were shit then and you’re fucken useless now!” To which Adam Parore replied, “Yeah that’s me. And I remember you were dating that old, ugly slut. I see you’ve married her now. You dumb cunt”.

McGrath: “Why are you so fat?”
Brandes: “Because every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”

Healy bugging Ranatunga

Ian Healy to Ranatunga , “Got your legs shivering?”
Arjuna– “Yes, I am tired after sleeping with your wife.”

There are instances when people have lashed their anger out just because they were either too upset or too quirky to win. This is something I would not appreciate.

In the interest of the game, too much of fucks we ought to chuck.

Mike Whitney: “Stay in your crease or I’ll break your fucken head”.
Ravi Shastri replied: “If you could bowl as well as you talk you wouldn’t be the fucken 12th man!”

Once Fred Trueman was bowling and got an edge from the batsman which went between Row’s legs, who was fielding at slip. At the end of the over, Row runs over to Trueman and says: “Sorry Fred, I should’ve kept my legs closed”. Trueman: “So should your mother”.

The furious pup.

Michael Clarke once told England’s Jimmy Anderson to get ready for a broken fucking arm. It was like fucking a hollow body without a soul .How can you frighten a tailender with a bodyline field that too against the most deadly bowler? That’s rape.

Great sledges are the one’s done in the right spirit where not only the duo involved in it loves it but the audience as well. As I leave you all do take a minute out and think about a cricketer’s freedom of speech. Meanwhile, enjoy the rib tickling roasting –

My personal favorites

James Ormond came out to bat in a match with Australia. Mark Waugh, at slip, “What are you doing out here? You’re too shit to play for England!” Ormond replied: “Maybe so, but at least I’m the best player in my family”.

Sangakkara to Pollock during a match in 2003 WC, ” Tons of pressure here for the skipper, yeah? Gonna let his whole country down now if he fails. Oh Lots of expectations fellas. Come on! The weight of all the country’s expectations, 42 million supporters right here depending on Shaun”.

Merv Hughes to Robin Smith: “If you turn the bat over you’ll get the instructions mate”. Rob replied after hitting a boundary, “Hey Merv! We make a good pair. I can’t fucking bat and you can’t fucking bowl”

Beefy at his best

Rod Marsh: “So how’s your wife and my kids?”
Botham: “Wife’s fine. Kids are retarded”.

References – Why are you so fat? , Gershan Portnoi

PS: Keep calm and sledge gracefully. I’d be pleased to hear some Bakchodi from your end in the comments section.

Lucia hits Gayle’s nervous system, switches him to Godzilla mode.

Anti-doping agency has confirmed that just before the match Christopher Henry Gayle took a sip of Kingfisher beer, which seem to be adulterated with Lucia medicine. The probe was initiated as Chris Gayle (who hasn’t played for the need of the nation since the inception of the IPL) scored a barbaric double ton today against Zimbabwe.

Gayle has admitted that due to the chemical locha, he could see Vijay Mallya hovering over his head and was allegedly tricked that it was a RCB game and he wasn’t using his skill for free for the Caribbean board. With every ball that he faced, he could hear a voice that said “Every six is proportional to a date with the Kingfisher calendar girl. #SwalpaHitMaadi” and that kept him going for the kill.

This was batting today,not Chris Gayle

This was batting today,not Chris Gayle

The effect of the medicine was prominent till he reached the 200 mark but by the time he regained his consciousness the damage was already done. Meanwhile Gayle has been roped in as the brand ambassador of a new North Korean medicine brand  – “Being Inhumane” .The PR agencies have suggested that due to his extraordinary dancing skills he was offered the contract as a potential threat to South Korea’s PSY.

On a funny note, here is the match summary (Please give a damn!)
Feb 24, 2015: Canberra, Australia
WI – 372/2 (50 Overs) defeated Zim 289/10 (44.3 overs) D/L Method
MoM- Chris Gayle for his monstrous knock of 215 off 147 balls and a spell of 6-35-2.

Sasural Shikhar Ka

Last evening when Shikhar Dhawan was grooming his mustache while the team was practicing for the big game against the Proteas, Dhawan got a call. To his sheer surprise his mother-in-law had called, with whom he hadn’t spoken in ages. Who would’ve thought a phone call from a saasu maa, would’ve changed the course of the game and history would be re-written.

Look son, it’s an ultimatum call for you. We cannot even go out in the colony.
Considering your current form and the rate at which our neighbors are teasing us, I think we will have to relocate unless you start performing.

Hail Dhawan !

Dhawan giving Choke-slam to the Proteas!

It made Shikhar re-think on his game plan and he skipped the mustache grooming session and Dhawan was seen practicing in the nets today morning. Rest is history.
Courtesy his fearless choke slams, India defeated South Africa in the World Cups in the fourth head-to-head encounter finally.

On a funny note, here is the match summary (In case you wish to give a damn!)
Feb 22, 2015                                                                                 Melbourne, Australia
India – 307/7 (50 Overs) defeated SA 177/10 (40.2 overs)
MoM- Shikhar Dhawan for his fearless knock of 137 off 146 balls.

Sewaiyaan triggers Pakistani batting collapse, reveals Pakistan Bureau of Investigation.

Christchurch: Pakistani team seemed confident after the Caribbean boys put just 310 runs on the board, which was in sync with the Whatsapp message that predicted easy win for the men in green. Investigations revealed that during the innings break, while walking back to the pavilion Pakistani fielders saw a few fans eating Sewaiyaan and carrying a poster inviting them to have them outside.

#WontGiveItBack

#WontGiveItBack

Tempted with the invitation, Misbah discussed it with the team. Finally a unanimous call was taken that a plate full of Sewaiyaan is any day better than the empty cup and let’s finish the innings ASAP.Now the tussle started over the opening slot as to the surprise Misbah started padding up. Shehzad and Jamshed opposed the captain and claimed

that as openers they should get the chance to get out first to taste the sewaiyaans. Shehzad, Jamshed,Haris and Younis were already outside the stadium by the time Pakistan made just 1 run hunting for the sewaiyaan guy. They saw a food-truck parked nearby with a lot of WEST-Indian fans.The Paki fab-4 inquired about the sewaiyaan, to which everyone replied #WontGiveItBack and offered them a complimentary dhokla.

The fab-4 rushed back to the dressing room to inform that it was a hoax call. By the time they were back Pakistan was already 25-5 and a padded Misbah was rushing out to get his share.After knowing the grim reality he passed the message to the on-pitch pair to bat sensibly as they were fooled. Maqsood and Akmal gave it a shot but it was too late.

Meanwhile, the matter got escalated and we may see a sewaiyaan ban in Pakistan.

On a funny note, here is the match summary (In case you wish to give a damn!)
Feb21, 2015                                                                             Christchurch, New Zealand
Pak– 160/10 (39 Overs) Lost to WI 310/6 (50 overs)
MoM- Andre Russell for his all-round performance of 33-3 and 42 off 13 balls with the bat.

Morgan threatens to quit The Great England Looser Pvt Ltd.

Wellington : After seeing the company’s dismal performance in the last quarter as well, the Chief Solution Architect, Eoin Morgan has shown serious intentions of quitting the company.

When inquired about the sudden disinterest towards the company Morgan became extra frank and quoted “Tumse Na Ho Payega” and did show a positive inclination towards joining a bright Irish start up- TheCricketGully.

Welcome back boy !

Welcome back boy !

After a serious debate with the HR and senior partners,the company has come to a conclusion that they will re-hire Kevin Pietersen on his recommendation. This is a direct message to sideline Chutiya management policies and to bring in a fresh perspective.

Meanwhile Morgan’s Whatsapp status reads -“Yo Bitch! Welcome back”

 

 

On a funny note, here is the match summary (In case you wish to give a damn!)
 Feb 20, 2015                                                                   Wellington,New Zealand
Eng – 123/10 (33.2 Overs) Lost to New Zealand 125/2 (12.2 overs)
MoM- Tim Southee for his magnificent spell of 33-7.
#WC2015 #FekuSingh